Let's begin with tennis.
One day, Coleman and I went to play tennis. I love playing tennis with the husband. We've played tennis together many times before this, and we're usually quite good against one another.
For some reason, on this night of tennis playing togetherness, I just couldn't hit that darn tennis ball in the right direction. I blame this on the two men on the court next to us, who were (I'm sure of it) watching me and laughing at my less than professional technique. See. Here is my problem. Why did I care what those two men thought of my tennis skills? I don't know why I cared, but I did. And it greatly affected my ability to get the tennis ball over the net and in the right direction. I was so frustrated. Really frustrated. So frustrated, in fact, that this one lousy game of tennis sent me into a tailspin that night about how I'm terrible at everything. How I have nothing to offer this world. I'm a worthless individual who can't even muster the skills to play a proper game of tennis with the husband.
Very positive attitude.
I know.
You laugh at this.
But seriously, I think I had Coleman concerned.
This all seems pretty ridiculous now. But that night really had me thinking. What have I become? I have always looked forward to the next defining milestone in my life as graduating college. But that hasn't happened yet. Four transfers to four different colleges in five years has not yet produced a bachelor's degree. This fact is what is truly at the heart of my "I am worthless and have nothing to offer" attitude. For so long I've felt that my life is only worth something so long as I have my degree. I think I feel this way because I don't want people to think that I haven't finished school yet because I can't. Like I'm dumb or something. But see, here again is the problem. Why do I care what people think about me not yet having my degree? And do I really think that having my degree is going to magically give me oodles of worth? The answer, of course, is no.
So then, my thoughts take me to the next obvious question. If not my degree to give me worth, then what? Someone once said to me that although I might not be where I imagined I would be at this time in my life (who is, really) I have lots of life experience under my belt that has allowed me to learn things that school cannot teach. I am a good friend. I am a good wife. I am a hard worker and trustworthy and honest. Oh, and my sister thinks I'm hilarious! Ha! I have lots to offer.
This week I have been very blessed to come across some women who I admire very much in their attitudes and skills, and just as people in general. And you know what, not one of them have finished school yet! It made me stop and think. They are amazing and have so much to offer as people even though they haven't finished school. I can be amazing too without that darn degree!
I am still working on finishing school. It is still a huge priority of mine and I will get there soon. But in the meantime I am working and supporting an amazing husband who I am lucky to be married to. He has given my life something I wasn't sure I'd ever have. And I am happy with where I am right now.
Life is good.
And simple.
I like simple.
I think you and I have many similarities! You already ARE amazing, even if you never finish your degree. I finished mine- but I feel like, so what? I've never used it. I had a minor breakdown yesterday when the school bus driver told me my kids weren't authorized to ride the bus and could no longer ride it until they were. I obviously thought they already were, ugh! It's getting worked out, but I hate confrontation and I had all these yucky feelings too. But you're right, even with all the kinks thrown in- life is good! And I like simple too (just wish we lived closer!)
ReplyDeleteOh just reading about the confrontation with the bus driver makes me cringe. I hate stuff like that and I probably would have cried after! I had hoped I would just grow out of feelings like that, but I don't think I ever will. Guess I just need thicker skin!
ReplyDeleteI tell myself I need thicker skin too, but then I think I wouldn't be me. I also wanted to say that I know you'll finish your degree someday because it's important to you. But I've also learned in all of my long years =) that your dreams do come true, just not maybe in the way you originally planned. You're awesome just for being you!
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